It has been quite a long time since I have felt compelled even remotely to write anything on this page, but the option of this site is quite nice regardless of my inconsistency with writing. Where do I even begin with it all?
I could go on all day about the work and stuff, which I am currently taking a break from. MIT really is a grind all the time. Whether it’s the PSETs with a problem that takes 3+ hours or trying to find time for UROP stuff or any other things that I have signed up for, I find myself having to schedule my time more precisely now than ever before.
It’s kinda funny actually. I feel like in the past I have been incredibly flaky and more or less afraid of the commitment to things. Maybe now, things will be different. At least that’s the hope. And to be honest, a part of me is still scared to take a step forward even though I know I can do it. That brief moment of hesitation in whatever I am doing. The doubt. To hell with that though, right?
For the most part, I feel like I have managed to regain some sort of equilibrium that I had lost. Now, I’m able to say that, overall, I have been happy and satisfied with how things have gone for multiple weeks and even months. Sure, the ups and downs are prevalent and won’t ever vanish. The extremes are definitely mitigated now though, especially the downs.
Perfectionism and trying to prove people wrong always existed inside me to unhealthy amounts, and the fear of acceptance, in that regard, made me default to those traits like a plague. Obviously, I still expect a lot from myself and I want to put forth the best effort that I can when I can but knowing my own limitations is valuable. The desire to prove myself and assuage the doubts that I have and that other people may have is still there though, and perhaps it is something that I simply have to live with.
I am glad though that I’ve grown considerably over the course of the last year. It’s tough to imagine that a year ago I was sulking by a river and considering (albeit not to a truly dangerous extent) ending my own life.
Whatever road I’m walking down right now, I just hope that I’m able to keep it going for a while and see it through. It takes a long time to truly master your mind and your heart, but I hope that I’m on the right track with that. Through all the work and other obligations that I have, I want to remain true to myself and never again forget who I am and why I am doing what I do.
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