Here’s an out-of-the-blue blog post. I’ve been meaning to use this site more, but I have honestly been quite lazy with the whole act of writing. Plus, my last post not saving properly made me stay away from it for a while, though I want to use this on, at the very least, a semi-regular basis.
But as for what I want to talk about right now, I cannot but continue to think a lot about the human condition and the purpose of each individual and primarily myself as I learn more about the world and gain more experiences. Perhaps it’s the time of year causing these thoughts to brew yet again, but I’m not too sure. I can’t say I’ll be particularly coherent with what I am saying, but it’ll be whatever comes to my mind.
I've always felt plagued by the fact that my mind has difficulty resting. Least of all with the ideas surrounding human existentialism. It’s not exactly the best feeling being unable to just close my mind to the world, but is it truly unclosable? I feel like with my experiences with meditation that it is certainly something that can be controlled and it is a fault of mine that I work on. These thoughts about human existentialism and the ultimate goal of my life can definitely be managed, and I think my perspective on these questions have shifted quite a bit compared to even a year ago.
In many ways, my mind was overwhelmingly constrained by the feeling that there were aspects of my own destiny or existence that simply can not be controlled, which, of course, is still true; however, coming to a personal understanding about the factors in life that you can and cannot exert control over has been an important development. That lack of control over certain situations made me feel like I was suffocating and unable to find myself through it all. I feel like, in a lot of ways, it’s why I developed such a thinking approach to life. A rigid and uncompromising approach to everything because of the fear of losing that iron grasp. Though, ironically, it ultimately set out to accomplish exactly the opposite of what my mind intended, and I lost control.
Now, it’s sort of odd trying to shift perspectives still, but I am definitely a lot happier accepting the chaos and randomness of the world around us. Will I find my purpose? I think I will down the line, but what even is purpose and how malleable is it? I think the old me would fret over the exact details and feeling a large forecast of doubt due to the uncertainty of it all. And now, I think there’s quite a bit of excitement in not knowing that. I know how I feel and how I think in this current moment, and I think that’s quite alright. We all wish for, in various ways, moments of eternity, but what good is life if you cannot afford to live in your present, right? To accept this current of time and to let it develop naturally is the best course of action, and to free oneself from the chains of unruly expectation.
I’ve come to understand quite a bit of myself, and I am always curious to learn more. There’s so much to explore. Be it within myself or in the world. I used to think of this journey as a dark tunnel with “light” at the end, but I think it’s more like a small pebble. An endurance of time and the conditions that befront you rather than a linear, structured, and definite path that you can entirely create.
Will I still be the same person in a few months? Maybe, maybe not. I think whatever “Tyler Ea” means is pretty malleable at the end of the day. Whatever happens will happen and I think I’m in for the ride. No reason to be afraid, as it’s all an illusion of the mind anyway. Plus, it is an uncontrollable fact that it is but an insignificant part of this wonderful world, and there’s quite a beauty in that.
And I think that’s all my rambling for tonight because it is late and I should have gone to sleep like 3 hours ago.
Well written- love the idea that everything can still change.