Another Year, Another Perspective

It's no surprise that my mind finds difficulty in resting. It always churns and chugs along with no room to quell. It's the reason why this post is not likely to be my last and why I've written quite a bit. I think the value in doing this for me is that I get to explore the development of my own journey and how I have learned to accept myself for who I am. Keeping it in the written record, I feel like there's some level of accountability that is implicit with that fact. I do wonder, of course, how I would feel about this in the future, but I don't really think that there's much of a point in speculating about that.

It's kinda funny honestly. I always over-think everything and even the most miniscule of things gets me pondering about the state of the world and my own life experiences. Even the way people walk, the ways people interact with others in group settings, or the little quirks that people have when studying or whatever, I perceive so much, and to be honest, it is a bit of sensory overload at times. It's always a work in progress, though. And I think I'm realizing that maybe it's best to use this quality and turn it into something productive and beneficial. Both for the people around me and for myself, understanding that these perceived incompetencies and flaws of mine can very much become a pillar of strength.

I doubted myself on so many of the decisions that I've made and on the countless people affected my actions, and to be fair, I have made so many countless mistakes in the past few years that I wonder if I'll ever be able to truly forget it. If I cannot forget it though, I think it is then vital for me to pursue a path that allows me to use those mistakes to make something. I think that's the big aspect of everything that I had been missing for all this time in my despair and my suffering.

Through this first half of college, I feel like I've exposed myself to such a wildly different perspective on things. My life is no longer the way it was before my college experiences. I've been involved in plenty of situations now where I do not know the best way forward, and in the heat of the moment, I have fucked up plenty. I was driven by fears, by an impulse of emotion and distress. But that too is a part of me and who I am. I've had to learn the hard way that the person I am is far from perfect and is constantly trying and striving to improve. With every mis-step and failure, I could just call it quits and give in. But I refuse to give in to those doubts, no matter how prevalent they may be. I am going to leave a mark and be a pillar of strength for the people around me that I care about.

I think it is too easy to fall into a cycle of suffering. Hell, that is one of the fundamentals truths laid out in Buddhism. The fact that life on this Earth is imperfect and contains so many kinds of strife. And I know full well what it is like to be stuck in a constant, draining cycle of self-hatred and depression. I have been there and I have experienced some extreme emotional fluctuations that seemed long and arduous. But I think the perspective that I was missing in those moments was that you have to frame it in the lens where these interactions and thoughts are lessons or "teachers." It is that perspective that I realized far too late when it came to a situation where I was drowning in these thoughts. When you let it consume you, it takes over completely. It feels like it's become your new environment, an emotional prison.

Not anymore, however. Over the last half year, I think I've lived like I haven't lived before. I can say with full confidence that I can become the person that I want to be, and regardless of the set-backs and what other people may think, I will never let that stop me. It's taken a while to reach the point where I feel like I want to be here, but now that this is the case, I am going to take full advantage of it. Through it all, I know that I am imperfect, that I will make mistakes, but that's okay. As long as I have a reason to fight and carry-on, that is what matters to me. As long as I have the people in my life to care about, then of course I'll do my damn best to make sure that everything is alright. And I think that's the beauty of life as it is.